Serious Post… My Journey With Anxiety

Before I begin this post… I am not a doctor, I’m just someone that has suffered through anxiety, and thought that maybe if someone stumbled upon this post they might find it helpful, and take something from it. Again, this is just my experience, everyone has a different experience with anxiety and internalizes it differently, so I hope you get something from this.

The only way I can explain this, is by starting at the beginning. I remember the first anxiety attack clearly in my head. It was back in January, I was half-way through my senior year, and just that day I was completely overwhelmed. I was walking down the hall with my friends and I just started crying to my friends,and my chest got real tight. Looking back on it, this “attack” (the term I tend to use) was a baby one in comparison to the ones I would experience later on. My friends didn’t really know what to do, I’ve never really freaked out over school work before, and I didn’t know really what to do. So I went to work (where my mom also happens to work) and just started crying to her, she helped calm me down and I moved on. I thought that was just a freak incident, and didn’t expect for it to happen again. Except it did, a days later I was just sitting in Physics class working on my classwork, the room was dead silent, and all of a sudden the room felt incredibly small, I couldn’t sit still, my heart was beating fast, I couldn’t breath, and my hands were sweating, and I literally thought I was jumping out of my skin. Luckily enough the bell rang soon after, I was able to call my mom and she was able to pick me up from school, and I would go hang out at work with her. That happened a lot during the second half of the school year, where I would leave school because I would have such bad anxiety attacks that I couldn’t stay there.

The thing that makes an anxiety disorder different from just normal school anxiety, is that anxiety attacks will come at any time, and for no reason. There have been times when I have just been lying on my bed and i get one, and trying to calm down is the worst. I was trying to find a way to explain what having anxiety was like to a guy friend of mine (he races motocross) and the way I was able to describe it was, that period of time right before they say go. Your waiting, whole body tense, feeling likes something is about to happen, your mind is racing with thoughts, your heart is racing, and blood pumping… but no one ever says go. Thats the only way I could think to describe it to someone that doesn’t experience it. To someone that has gone through it before, understands what its like. Theres no feeling in the world like it. It kind of is always there with you, and you don’t know when it might show up (Like on your school trip to France, first time in a subway, french class, while trying to fall asleep…).
Most people will tell you the most important thing is not letting it control you. Fuck them. I hate hearing that. When I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack guess what it is controlling me. The most important thing is to learn your warning signs, and get to a comfort zone. Mine happens to be either in my bed or with my mother at work, most likely because I’m in familiar places. Some of my warning signs tend to be I can’t sit still, and my thoughts tend to start racing and I can’t focus on one thing. Sometimes I can pull myself out of one, other times I can’t.

DONT EVER FEEL BAD OR ASHAMED ABOUT YOUR ANXIETY!!!!!
That was one of the hardest things to come to terms with. I felt crazy, like I wasn’t normal, I was embarrassed to talk about, and even went through a slight depression when I didn’t understand what was going on with me. So don’t ever let yourself get down about because YOU ARE NOT ALONE! More people then you realize are suffering with this, you will get through this!

Loves and Kisses
Shelby

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Graduation and Life transitions

Shelby and Ali graduation

   Today i graduated from High School, which isn’t all that surprising. I always knew that it was going to happen, no matter how worrying my grades were getting in the last semester. I sat in the convention center surrounded by my classmates and realized it wasn’t all that sad. Yes I would no longer see the majority of these people again in close contact, but do I want to? I have always loved people and talking to them, but as a walked around my classmates I realized that I didn’t feel a desperate need to capture the moment with them, because I knew that the people that would really matter in 30 years, would never really leave me. My closest friends from highschool, I already have a 101 pictures with, we hang out at least once a week, and I have faith that we will at least keep contact with each other. I’m not naive enough to believe that we will all remain best friends for life, because a part of moving on in life is not only remembering our past but leaving our future open for new people and relationships. 

College is probably the biggest transition I’m going to face. I was born and raised in this small town, where everyone knew me just based on my last name from either my fathers extremely large family, or my mother who everyone knows from the local school bored. We don’t leave the town often, I have only been to the beach in America once, and the only times I’ve been out of the Northeast was to take two class trips to France and Italy.  I love my family and I love my hometown, but I’m extremely excited to move on and take this new chapter of my life, where I can make my own reputation without getting recognized by my last name, and I’m looking forward to exploring a whole new world. As corny as that sounds. 

I will never forget where I came from, but I’m looking forward to what the future can bring. 

Love always 

-Shelby 

 

My decent into spinsterhood at the ripe old age of 17

I have never had a boyfriend.  Well okay there was that one guy in 9th grade who I held hands with for three days, hid from on the fourth, and on the fifth day broke up with him over text while he was at a boy scout meeting. But I don’t consider our five day world wind romance as one I should mark down as my first relationship. 
Here’s the thing that shocks people the most I really don’t care about finding a boyfriend. No I am not a lesbian because according to the rules of society if I am not actively on the hunt for a boyfriend/in a committed relationship I must be a lesbian. Sorry to all the girls out there but I have no interest in your vagina. (That being said if Mila Kunis showed up at my door and asked me to marry her I would be all over that shit.) Unfortunately everyone else in my life expects me to be in relationship. My uncles who are encouraging me to “play the field a bit while in high school” my great aunt who happened to point out that my body could use some toning to attract the guys, to my mother’s half serious jokes about my best friend of seven years and I. (Sorry Ali love you to pieces and I know everyone assumes we’re gay for how much time we spend together but I do not  see you that way girly) even the guys at work can not seem to fathom why I won’t go after the available, kind- of -my age guy who also works there. (Again sorry Vito, love you, but I have no interest in dating you)
I really see no need to rush into a relationship for a myriad (favorite word) of reasons:
1) I’m seventeen….
2) I haven’t found a guy I have liked in that way yet (except for boy in western civilization class but that’s a story for another day) and I’m not going to date someone just for the sake of being able to say I have a boyfriend.
3) Nice available guys aren’t exactly falling from the trees here. Going to a school with a graduating class of 250 you tend to know everyone and all the good guys were taken in fourth grade.
4) another thing… I am not a size zero never have been never will be. That means guys tend not to look at me as much as all my  thin blonde track friends (no jealousy just fact) and so that adds another factor into the whole dating game, some guys don’t like big girls (except the creepy old guys that come into the hardware store seem to have no problem staring at my boobs), I’m cool with that we all have our preferences.
So to end this rant, when I decide to date is my business and I don’t need everyone in my life giving me there input because honestly I don’t give a fuck. 
(P.s I wrote this right before bed and didn’t even read it over I’m just going to post it 🙂 )
Hugs and all that good stuff
**fun fact: in the 1800s if a woman was still unmarried at the age of 28 she was considered a spinster**

Waiting period

 

Hellllooooooooo,

I’m Shelby Glasser, 17, hardware store counter bitch, mediocre high school student, soon to be SUNY Oneonta freshmen, cute plus-sized clothing hunter, and unskilled wannabe makeup artist. I tend to be overly sarcastic and offensive (advanced warning)  and I really don’t do anything interesting with my life, (which is probably why I’m sitting here trying to start a blog).

As I sit and type this, I think of the billion other things I should probably be doing right now, like cleaning my room (with the never ending piles of clothes and towels) finishing planting the flower garden, starting any of the end of the year papers I have been assigned, or start working out (which I continually promise myself I’m going to start doing tomorrow). Ah well there is always tomorrow.

The real reason I can’t really seem to do anything because it all seems so pointless, (don’t worry this will not be a tumblr-esque blog that reminds everyone of hot-topic and depressing grunge music) I’m graduating in 33 days, and will be going the university of Oneonta (but whose counting?) and I’m being forced to write a 10 page chic-lit story, and sit in a French class and translate old adages. I’ve been accepted to college, I’ve run my end of the year mile in gym class, which was the only thing that could have prevented me from graduating (gotta love New York State education requirements), so I’m finding it a little difficult to sit in class every day and listen to bullshit, especially when I could be working.

I hope I will be able to keep up with this blog, I always start things like this and expect myself to actually keep up with them, which rarely happens (at least I am honest about myself) but I’m going to try. This blog will probably be random rants on things that are bothering at the moment (which there always something bothering me) clothing I’ve recently picked up, makeup I’m trying, or books that I have read.

Hugs and all that good stuff

 

***Fun fact: you can play peak-a-boo with a a sloth***